At the close of every year, I find myself driven to pause for reflection. I feel the urge to take to the pen, purge myself of the experiences, emotions, and thoughts of the past year onto paper in an effort to gain perspective. Out of this desire to revisit my life often comes a mix bag of emotions. Optimism, regret, fear, nostalgia. Positive or negative, the time I typically devote to this is time taken away from being in the here and now. I unintentionally force myself to carry bits of the past on with me into the future, disallowing myself to fully let go and move on.
In itself this is not inherently destructive, as the past continually informs the present and future and disregarding it can be naive and potentially harmful. However, by actively seeking to live in these moments gone by, I open myself up to missing what is to come by dwelling in times I cannot fix or change. There is a balance to be achieved here; a balance I have yet to perfect in my 26 years. How can you carry on the lessons and experiences without actively letting them infect what is to come?
So this is my breakup letter, 2012. Believe me when I say "it's not you, it's me." We had a rocky relationship, filled with ups and downs, but I think we can still be friends. I believe I can make a clean break, choose not to drag this on unnecessarily. I carry on within me the good times we shared, the connections we made. The new interests you piqued in me will continue to thrive, the new loves you provided me will grow, until they too must find their home in the past. The times you made me cry will exist only as shadows; tear stained memories with no more power than I choose to instill in them.
Likewise, the times you made me smile, though easier and decidedly less painful to hold on to, will be moved to the archives to make room for new happiness. They will poke their heads out from time to time—reminders to laugh and allow contentment to occasionally overwhelm me—but they will not exist under a magnifying glass to prod and dissect until they are husks of themselves.
Old bitterness and frustration will have no room in my heart, for they will exist only as reminders to grow and accept. I will not weep for your departure, because our end marks the start of a blank slate, a sponge ready to soak up all the pleasures and heartache of the year to come. My regrets will not pull me down, but bolster me to make wiser decisions.
I will do my best to remember you fondly without holding on to you so tightly that I am unable to grasp the new delights that come to me. The lessons you taught me will be filed away to be pulled out as needed, though the circumstances that taught me those lessons will remain only as context. The pain we shared left its mark, but I will patch the wounds rather than allowing them to bleed freely.
So, goodbye friend. Here is to now. Here is to making new memories. To kissing in the rain and dancing under the stars. To loving fully and without expectation. To allowing sadness without guilt, anger without shame, and fear without caution. To forgetting pain and continuing to risk our hearts for the pleasure of now. To friends, family, and lovers. To working hard and feeling proud while remembering the things that truly matter. To unrestrained giggles, unabashed childlike wonder, and playing with those we love. To being free and moving on.
