Refund check dilemma

It's that time again.  The other day I went to pick up my refund check from school - the money left over (from loans, grants, etc.) after tuition and other sundries have been taken care of.  This year, I got a pretty decent chunk o' change:  $2200.  Now it's time for me to do some math, which is frightening since this book nerd abhors numbers.

A portion of that refund goes toward reimbursing myself for the books and supplies I had to purchase for the semester.  Let's say around $300.  The rest is kind of hanging there with a giant question mark.  The logical, responsible part of my brain is saying "Psst, Jessica.  Be a good girl and put that money back toward your loan."  Not a bad idea, considering school put me around $25k in debt. 

On the other hand, in the long run, the $1900 or so won't make the hugest dent in the debt.  BUT, in the here and now, could seriously give me a boost.  I could use the majority to pay down some credit cards, hold some back to keep me afloat while my work hours are down, etc.  The rest could be used to contribute to my stash for a new laptop.  Sorta-kinda-ok-maybe-not a school related expense.  My faithful lappie is on it's last legs.  Wouldn't want it to crash out while I'm writing my thesis, right? 

So, refund check, meet moral conundrum.  I can proceed, with permission from parental units - who are paying my college loans - with the second plan and alleviate some of the financial stress I have during the school year.  But that creates the feeling that I'm somehow being tested.  And if I make the wrong choice, I will incur the Disappointed Parent face.

But, oh, how shiny and pretty that new laptop would be....

Brain implosion - back in 5 minutes!

After noticing the trend of people's eyes glazing over after a particularly long rant of mine, I decided I should act like the rest of the world and move my rambling to a blog. That's the sane thing to do, yeah? A positive - if not necessarily productive - emotional release of sorts. It's my space, so I can say whatever the hell I want and loved ones can tune in and out at random. Win-win, right?

I'm (hopefully) in the process of finishing my very LAST semester of college. 3 months and I will officially (again, hopefully) be a degree-carrying productive member of society. Or that's the theory. Those three months are looming ahead with the promise of many research papers, a ridiculous amount of reading, a thesis, and the big bad Literature Comprehensive Exam. Dun, dun, dun!

Said exam - the exam that determines whether I graduate or stay stuck in pre-grad limbo until I pass it - is taking place this coming Saturday. Supposedly, I'm expected to exhibit a comprehension in my major of choice, proving that I have not been doodling/sleeping/etc. for the past however many years. Sounds ok in theory. I'm a good student, I pay attention, I feel as though I have a general grasp of my studies. In practice, however, I am a huge ball of pulsing stress, anxiety, and fear. To prepare for this monster of an exam (hello! 9 AM - 5 PM!), I'm supposed to know literary history, a ridiculous amount of vocab, how to scan a poem technically, how to scan a poem for content, and be very familiar with enough "major works" that I can pull them out of my derriere and write an essay on the spot, following some unknown prompt. Bah.

My flashcards are numerous enough to keep me suffering from paper cuts for years and very suddenly, all the reading I've been doing the past two years has flown right out of my head. So, put simply, I'm feeling stressed and whiny. Saturday is approaching and I feel like a bumbling idiot.

However, I've decided that whatever happens, happens. Pseudo-philosophical, lame personal mantra of the day. If I fail the test, it will suck, oh yes. But the Chair of the Lit. department isn't going to hunt me down and beat me with a hardcover copy of War and Peace. The Dean of UNCA isn't going to put a bloody horse head in my bed in the middle of the night. Basically, I'll get over it. It's not the end of the world. If at first you don't succeed....you know the rest. Things happen in life that we have no control over. All you can do is keep going and hope that you'll be able to make yourself proud.